A lot of people talk about forgiving yourself. They could be talking about something they did that hurt someone else - intentionally or not. They might be talking about a choice they made which they now really regret, even if it seemed obvious at the time that it was the best choice to make. And there are plenty of other reasons. Self-forgiveness is an important goal for many people, but it can be a difficult one.
Some people feel they deserve to be punished and this can mean they think they don’t deserve any forgiveness. This is especially common in situations where someone makes a mistake that hurts someone close to them. But the truth is, even if you truly harmed someone and they would never forgive you, you are not helping anyone by punishing yourself, not even the person you hurt. It is much better if you hold yourself accountable, do what you can to fix the damage you did, and learn from it.
Not forgiving yourself can leave you stuck in one place in life, unable to move on. You might not keep on improving your life or reaching the goals you have set. You might miss out on things you will regret missing. You can’t go back and change the past, but you can learn from it and do better in the future.
Forgiveness is about accepting our mistakes and keeping going. It does not mean we excuse what happened, whether it was actually our fault or not. It means we don’t let the world leave us behind in the moment of fault.
This is why one of the first steps is usually taking accountability for what we’ve done. Sometimes we’ve spent time making excuses or rationalising things. Facing up and accepting our actions and choices is important.
It is also important to know that there are times we blame ourselves where we did not actually do something wrong. This is often especially true for people who have been through trauma, including abuse, loss and many other upsetting situations.
In these cases, it can be especially complicated. Sometimes we hold ourselves accountable in ways that aren’t fair or have expectations of ourselves that are unrealistic. Many of these involve what is referred to as “hindsight bias”. This is when we blame ourselves for things that we could not realistically predict, such as that someone would assault us when they seemed like someone who would never do such a thing, until they did. Even if there were facts which we might look back on with hindsight as red flags, that doesn’t mean they were nearly so easy to see at the moment we made a choice. Plus, we have a lot more time to consider what we “could have” done, after the fact, than in the moment. It’s a lot easier to decide the “right choice” with hours or days or years to decide, than the seconds you often have when you make that choice. And far clearer when you know what will happen. It’s not fair to expect your past self to have the knowledge you have now.
A person might struggle badly with forgiveness for their past self, because of problems caused by their previous actions or regret for things missed. The truth is, everyone makes mistakes. Our past self got us where we are today. They may have been doing the best they could. They may have been having a really hard time. They may have never been prepared for what they would have to deal with. But they got us through it. They probably made some good choices along the way, as well. Give your past self some credit.
Those of us who have been through trauma, especially, should think about how you would feel for someone else in the position you were in. They would deserve a lot of compassion - so why don’t you deserve just as much compassion?
This is called the Double Standard Method. This method basically comes down to talking to yourself with the same compassion you would a friend. If you are saying "I'm a failure! I mess everything up!" The trick is to imagine it is a friend saying these things to you. What would your response be to that friend? Open up a dialogue with yourself.
It might be really hard to do that, but think about how you would respond. If you can, having a friend "roleplay" and tell you the negative thoughts you're trying to change might allow you to see it better. If a friend thinks they were a failure because they messed something up, your response would likely be to reassure them that one mistake does not make them a failure and then point out their successes. The point is, why do you not deserve that same kindness and understanding?
Try to remember that self-forgiveness does it have a “one size fits all” approach to it. What you need may be completely different from what someone else needs. Please try not to be discouraged if something doesn’t work and try and hold compassion for yourself.
Comentários